1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

5. When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will almost undoubtedly not use a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle as his messenger. 

6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it entirely too seriously. 

8. Generally, no one cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 

9. Never lick a steak knife. 

10. That wasn't roughage. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 

11. One of the most powerful forces in the universe is gossip. 

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is really is very important. Pay attention to this, as it never fails as an indicator of basic character! Dump this person! They are petty and small-minded.) 

14. Your friends will love you anyway. 

15. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of engineers built the Titanic. 

16. Never give yourself a haircut after four martinis. 

17. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. 

18. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." 

19. Everyone seems perfectly normal until you get to know them. 

20. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 

21. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?" 

22. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. Especially if you're getting older. 

23. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 

24. Work is good, but it's not that important. 

25. And finally; be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

contributed by mgc